Today marks 3 weeks since I left Haiti. That’s 21 days since I’ve gotten to see my sweet kiddos, hug them and squeeze them and laugh with them. I truly miss them more than I even know how to express. I feel like a piece of my heart is missing.
I’ve sat down so many times to try to blog over the last few weeks, but to be honest I just haven’t had words. I knew leaving Haiti would be hard, but it’s so much harder than I ever could have anticipated. I’ve had some really good days and some really bad days.
One of the biggest “surprises” in coming home was walking through a depth of grieving and loss that I never saw coming. It took me days after I got home to even be able to talk about Haiti without bursting into tears. Like I said I knew it was going to be hard, but the depth of the grief I feel completely blindsided me.
I’ve started asking God “why?” a lot. I’m not questioning, doubting or second-guessing my decision. It was undoubtedly the Lord that called me back to the U.S. I’m confident of this. I’m just not sure why. I think I feel like I need to figure out the why because I’m not really doing a whole lot. God just keeps telling me to rest. So that’s what I’ve been doing.
I haven’t been up to seeing to many people yet, truthfully, because it’s just so hard to talk about this season of life and to help people understand what I’m going through. So to keep myself busy I’ve been spending time with family and going on lots of runs. One of my favorite parts about running right now is running past the farms in our area. The corn is growing so tall, everything is so green, the flowers are in full bloom. There is so much life in the land here. As I run past the flowers each day God keeps showing me the picture of this season of life. I’m the flower waiting to bloom and He’s giving me a glimpse of what’s to come, something beautiful. Those flowers didn’t grow into the beautiful plants they are overnight. It was a process. They were planted, watered, the weeds around them needed to be pulled and they needed time to grow into their fullness.
I don’t know what my next steps are. It’s pretty humbling to refer to myself as un-employed. It’s even more humbling, though, to see how God provides when we walk in obedience. He gives us everything we need, always. And so I wait, like a growing flower. I wait with anticipation that what’s coming will be good. I wait with expectancy that God will provide. And while I wait I ask the Lord to show me and teach me every little thing He has for me in this season. I don’t want this time to be wasted. I could SO easily (probably more than you know) fall into a season where I just isolate and waste my time away watching netflix and movies to numb the loss that I’m feeling. But that’s not what God has in store for me, at least not all the time!
Haiti was the best and hardest season in my life. I would do it over again in a heartbeat if God asked me to. But I know my journey didn’t end when I left Haiti, it’s just beginning and that was just one chapter.
Today I took a big step. I started unpacking. And today was actually one of the best days I’ve had since I’ve been back. I’m starting to make the space my parents have so graciously given me my own. I got to FaceTime with a big group of my kids today and I can’t tell you how good it was for my heart to “hang out” with them and laugh. My heart is so full. They will always have a huge chunk of my heart. That will never change.
I’m making my way through a Re-Entry workbook. Right now it’s having me focus on processing through who I was before Haiti, and how God called me there. I’ve been reminded that when God called me to Haiti I didn’t know why. It truly didn’t make sense and I couldn’t figure out why He would uproot me from my wonderful life here to something I didn’t understand. I get it now. And while I probably don’t even understand in full yet, there’s no question my time in Haiti was meant to be. I’m excited to see where this new season will take me.